Jewish Mother-in-Training: Tip – Tissues

August 25, 2008

hi, i’m a jmit. this is my new column.

in case you don’t know what a jmit is, it’s a Jewish Mother In Training.

You probably want to get that expression in your head if 1) you are a JMIT; 2) your girlfriend is a JMIT; 3) you like to date Jewish girls; or 4) you’re a non-Jewish female who likes to date/marry Jewish boys (read: Shiksa) and you’d like to impress your mother-in-law to be.

now that you know what a JMIT is…let’s begin with our first tip!

tip #1: Always carry tissues with you.

whether it’s allergies, the common cold, or a tendency to make people cry, tissues are a staple item and they should always be handy

you can tell a new JMIT from an experienced JMIT based on how grungy the tissues look.

in order of experience:

above: the seriously rare JMIT will carry her tissues in a fashionable carry case. i say seriously rare because how many JMITs know how to sew?

more likely, this will be the sign of an experienced JMIT. (note: the multipack is a sign that the JMIT bought her tissues from COSTCO, a tip for another day).

sorta-experienced JMITs may carry one or two tissues, folded neatly, in her bag or pocket.

JMITs who have a tad more training than the totally inexperienced may have a crumpled wad of toilet paper on her person. again, this is for the newly initiated JMITs. More experienced JMITs realize that the nose is an important part of the Jewish physique and, therefore, would rather use softer tissue paper rather than rub noses raw (*more on the nose & the “deviated septum” to come!).

experienced but flakey JMITs may carry tissues but not refresh or replenish their supply. (note: you may also see JMs using this tactic. mostly because JMs tend to get senile quickly)

[insert picture of crumpled kleenex, possibly used, that's been at bottom of bag for days, weeks, months, or years. the google image search produced gross results but you can use your imaginations!]

Just remember, JMITs, those who leave home without tissues, spread germs. no, literally.

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6 Responses to “ Jewish Mother-in-Training: Tip – Tissues ”

  1. MrOink on August 25, 2008 at 2:30 am

    Hmm. I didn’t know about all this. My mother is rather wasp-ish and boring, to be honest (though she makes a decent tuna-noodle casserole). In fact I hadn’t ever heard of the JMIT concept. But it’s also sort of funny because now that you mention it, I’ve never seen my mother with tissues in her purse.

    Is that because she’s wasp-ish or because she just doesn’t care about me? I may never know …

  2. MrOink on August 25, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    Well, I know now. I asked my mom, and apparently it’s because she doesn’t much care about me. She told me that she actually does carry tissues in her purse just like any good Jewish mother would, but that she never told me because she didn’t want me stealing her tissues. And then she said that I was bothering her by calling all of the time. I hung up and cried.

  3. MrOink on August 25, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    That said, her tuna noodle casserole still is pretty good, I have to hand it to her. And her salmon loaf can’t be beat, that much is true.

  4. RustedJesus on August 25, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    What level of jmit would a mother occupy if she not only carried clean, neatly folded tissues, but when offered you one, she took the liberty to wipe your nose for you?

  5. MrOink on August 25, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    Wow — that would sure be friendly of her. Especially if you weren’t even her own kid.

  6. [...] tip #2 was kinda a softball. (see: daily tip #1) [...]

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