nonpretentious

[Cut] The Height Factor

Guys under 5′5″?  Cut.

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In this spirit of Dealbreakers, here’s a column where nonpretentious contributors tell you when to cut your man or your woman.

The Racktrap: Prayers Answered

If you’re subscribed to the HARO e-mail list (acronym for Help a Reporter Out), the brainchild of Peter Shankman, you may have already seen The Racktrap.*  If not, I’m sure you can guess what it is by its name or the picture I posted above.

Oh, how many sweaty dollar bills I’ve handed over to cab drivers in my youth.

Oh, how many times I thanked my license for being body adhesive.

Oh, how awesome my ass looks in those Bootylicious pants/shirt/shorts sans pockets ()

Enter:  The Racktrap.

It seems my dreams are fulfilled.  As are the dreams of all those cab drivers and anyone who has ever seen me in my Bootylicious wear….

If only you could purchase The Racktrap with added silicone….

* Here is Peter Shankman’s review:

I’m desperately trying to figure out how to promote this client in my own voice. I guess I could say that “Yeah, I could totally see how it makes sense. If nothing else, you’re all going to have a LOT of fun retweeting it.” Long story short: A pocket to keep stuff – in your bra. Yes, I’m serious. Introducing The Racktrap, an undetectable personal bra pocket that holds everyday necessities including license, cash and credit cards in one safe and comfortable place. Made of hypo-allergenic poly material, The Racktrap is designed to fit comfortably in any size or style bra.  Created for women on the go, The Racktrap holds your small everyday essentials including license, cash, credit cards, Metrocard and key in one safe place, close to your heart and far from mugger’s hands.  (Or anyone’s hands, I suppose.) Go tweet about it and have fun.  http://www.theracktrap.com

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jmit – pronounced “jay-mit” – is a Jewish Mother-in-Training.  The column is written by a few different JMITs.  Even taken collectively, it’s probably safe to say that they hardly represent the views of all JMITs.

Bonnie Hunt Must Be An Amazing Woman

After finding the website,  I am now fascinated by this show.

Click on photo to enlarge.

(Fan mail from Bonnie Hunt’s website.  My notes added in red.)

[JMIT Tip] Guilty Pleasure Time! (Bad Girls Club, AI season 8, Lostpedia)

Hey JMITs, know what the season is called between January and March?  Guilty Pleasure Time!

Wait, before you start bringing up swimsuit season or how hot you have to look for the upcoming sloshfest (a.k.a. Spring Break ‘09) hear me out…

Sure, guilty pleasures for some may include gorging down a pint of Black Raspberry Chip ice cream in one sitting.

And, I don’t blame those people who do.

[Honestly, pint is such an itty-bitty word.  It's not my fault that such a snack-sized container holds 640 calories!]

But, there are other guilty pleasures.  Let me tell you a few of mine. Continue reading…

JMIT [Bargain] Tip: Scrounge through your mom’s things to find romantic comedy this holiday season!

You are so antisemitic. I bet you saw the title of this post and figured, ah, the Jewish Mother-in-Training’s back…she’s probably wishing me a Happy Hanukkah or Chanukah.

But, no, darling Readers. If there is one thing that I give to you this holiday season, other than my companionship on Christmas Eve, which is up for raffle to the loneliest Christian out there, that one thing is Nora Ephron or Nora Ephron’s writing to be exact. You can find her latest book at the nearest Borders, Barnes & Noble, Costco (obviously!), or in your mother’s library – the best place to go shopping in this economy.

Heard of her? Born in the 1980s? Born on Earth? Nora Ephron is the woman who gave us the orgasm scene from Harry met Sally and the reminder of that long-lost cultural icon – the AOL voice announcing that You’ve Got Mail.

For those cynics out there who are thinking that I’m misleading you, per the British study that Romantic Comedies can Ruin Your Life, broaden your horizons.

Continue reading…

The JMIT (Jewish-Mother-in-Training) Wish List

Every young JMIT knows that she’ll come of age some day. Yes, some day she’ll become a woman. It may happen after she’s Bat Mitzvah’ed or after she has been deflowered but some day she’ll grow up to have her own Costco membership.

Until this JMIT becomes a woman, a Costco membership will be the only thing on her holiday wish list (excluding Starbucks stocking stuffers, of course!)

The worldwide economy may be tanking but (many) JMITs around the globe hardly have to worry about paying off credit card debt or student loans (thank you, Daddy! or, thank you, doctor-lawyer-dentist Husband!).  Likewise, they hardly need a holiday to “wish for” the newest Tory Burch shoes that are 40% off at Neiman’s. (Seriously, like they don’t already have at least two colors of the rainbow!)

Almost like a Cliff’s notes version of Passover, JMITs tend to use the holiday season to contemplate one simple question.

Don’t know what it is?  I’ll give you a hint.  The question is not: “Why is it that on all other days we can easily slip into our (awesome-yet-secret) parking spot at the mall but on the days during the ‘holiday season’ even our parking spots are no longer sacred?”  While this question may run through a JMIT’s mind, a JMIT’s true struggle during this Commercialized-Christmas-Season is much larger than one parking spot. 

When everyday is like your birthday, what’s going to make this season different from all other seasons?

You see, the distinguishing factor can’t be the fanciful shopping sprees, the botox, and the facials.  Nope. This is the time when a JMIT gets practical. Who knows what causes a JMITs practical thinking during the holidays? Maybe it’s the Jewish guilt that has been building up all of those months. Based on the Country’s obsession with Christmas Cheer, maybe JMITs simply don’t want to feel left out. Either way, JMITs realize that ’tis the season to care more about giving than receiving – they’re not totally selfish. They know that they should buy a present for the poor man who pumps their super unleaded gas, the housekeeper, the pet butler (the guy who picks up the dog poop), the painters, the landscapers, the secretaries, and other plebians.

What better way to get all of the knick-knacks and paddywhacks and cute package of dog bones for the pet butler than to shop at Costco.

Uncle Sam’s eyes are bulging with dollar signs just thinking about her spendings! savings!

Plus, no need to sober the moment with thoughts of what this card will mean for the future. Who cares if her quarterly? monthly? weekly? Costco bill equals the GDP of Somalia ($600), perhaps the Democratic Republic of the Congo ($700), or Afghanistan ($800)! I mean, seriously, she’s packing enough rolls of toilet paper, Q-tip boxes, gallons of Listerine, and fluffy white towels in her extra linen closet to clothe those nations as well!

And, it’s not like she’s paying the bill anyway.

Winter Tips From a JMIT

1) Carry a tub of aquaphor around. It’s nippy out, and no one wants some chapped lips on their nippys! (Sorry, I forgot to mention that this post wasn’t PG).

No, but really. For us college gals (Me and……) it really is hard to find an outfit that’s appropriate for a party and the cold weather. So, I guess the JMIT is stumped. I’m really unsure what to do in situations like this. Obviously you can wear a coat. But then that stirs up all kinds of sanity problems. Where to put it? Can you trust leaving it on a dirty bench? What if someone steals it and you’re back at square one? Oh woe is us. So, this is your time – JMITs and JFITS (fathers in training)! Help me survive this winter! If you don’t have any tips, maybe you can sew me a cute wool dress that has a built in heater.

2) Buy snow boots. Seriously, I’m sick of people falling. Well, no not really. I’m sick of watching people fall, offering them help, them saying “no i’m fine”, and then seeing them waddle away because they broke every single vertebrae in their back. Get some traction, fools!

3) Wear layers! I mean, come on, everyone knows that once you enter into a building you’re going to need sunglasses, flip flops, and a snow cone.

4) Go sledding, ice skate, make a snowman. It’s always fun to be a kid once and a while. Then, after you’ve had your fun, trip a kid on the ice, knock down a snowman, and show these kids they have nothing to look forward to but 4 years of annoying school work and a lifetime of boring jobs.

oh man. i’m dreaming of a white christmas.
-your favorite jmit

tip from a jmit #5: Required Reading – Sunday Styles

Hey Readers, I apologize for my extended absence. 

I missed you and I’m sure you missed me. 

But, forget about niceties, it’s time for our next tip!

I don’t care if you think The New York Times is for communists.  I don’t want to hear about how the ink ruins your manicured fingertips.  And, let’s face it, we all know the $5.00 price tag probably kills you.  Nevertheless, any JMIT knows that the Sunday Styles section of the paper is worth every penny.

And, it’s not just the wedding announcements (though, we’ll get to those soon enough).  The Styles Section’s charm is in its ability to deliver totally trite news in a nationally syndicated paper that’s supposed to be taken seriously.  

For example, this week’s headline story?  A report on the newest rage among New Yorkers – “spit parties” hosted by 23andme.  

Spit Party (Styles Section Front Page)

Continue reading…

tip from a jmit #4: school lunch

remember those days in middle school…

…when your popularity depended upon whether you brought your lunch or bought it.

Fortunately, in my little home town, the cool people always brought their lunch (obvi, I was part of that group). However, bringing lunch can be tricky, and there is a specific JM-ish way to go through the process of packing a lunch for your child.

Step 1: Go to costco. Get a HUGE pack of brown paper bags. You know those things? You never really thought they had a purpose besides helping people when they hyperventilate? Well, you were wrong! They spaciously allow a JM to fill their child’s lunch with goodies.

Step 2: Buy the goodies.

Step 2:

a) The Sandwich: Corned beef (duh), rye bread, yellow mustard. Wrap in tinfoil.

b) The fruit: Red apple. The apple should always be sliced. In order to keep the apple from browning, make sure to squeeze a lemon over the slices before packing them in a plastic ziploc bag.

c) The veggie: Carrots.

d) The snack: dunkaroos, cheez-its, goldfish, pretzels, chex-mix (you know what I mean…)

e) The drink: Juice boxes are *so* 4th grade. Deer park water bottle is where it’s at.

Going to work? Practice! I mean it, go pack yourself a lunch! Then take a picture of it and post it here…..you will be graded.

tips from a jmit: #3 – HAND SANITIZER

one of my personal favorite JMIT tips is probably the most obvious.

Tip # 3: Always carry hand sanitizer with you.

I mean, duh? Public rest rooms and door knobs pose serious threats to a JM’s (no longer IT) precious child.

On the other hand, hand sanitizer just makes hygiene that much easier.

Picture this: You walk into a public restroom in a train station. You could either try to perfect the wash-hands-grab-paper towel-turn off faucet-open door with paper towel still in hand-move OR you could just use some handy-dandy hand sanitizer. Take your pick. I would go with the latter – convenience is key when you’re a JMIT.