All Posts by Lonnie

Dear Graduate Student, Stop pretending. You aren’t interested in helping me. You didn’t make a lesson plan for today’s discussion section. You don’t care about this subject. And the stain on your shirt from “today’s” lunch that you jokingly apologize about—was there last week, too. Simply, I’m not sure I can respect you. For...
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Sometimes, a man just needs to know that there is nobody in this world that he can possibly relate to.  Before the advent of online dating, this was no problem.  But now, you can’t have a thought without the internet reminding you that 45 people in your cul de sac have had the same...
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If society were a person, say, like pop hardly-sensation Mika, it might say… “Big Girls, you are beautiful.” But this is pretty old news, gal pals. You can be as plus-sized as you choose and still love the rolly-polly skin you’re in! Ask Tyra or Harrumph. But let me be the arbiter of a truth...
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1) Prancer Cancer- a benign cluster of cells develops around my prancing muscles. After intense prance-o-therapy, I’m back on my feet telling my story to millions in television ads. 2) Toothbrush cancer- My tastebuds double as carcinogens for inanimate objects.  After three months of brushing my tongue devoutly, a malignant patch spreads over the...
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… I, Lonnie, purveyor of all things pop-ee and smutty, am calling for an unlearning of written language as means of communication. I want mass book burnings.  I want the internet to consist of pictures and 2-d flash games.  I want no one  to appreciate this sentence: Though she lapped at my stinky balls...
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abortion, abortion, a hanger in contortion! incest, rape-ee, gotta keep your baby! if you weren’t a stupid slut, you could have taken it up the butt! buy a crib. buy a bib. the army calls dibs. on your mistake of a kid. (as they jump rope) roe, roe, roe v. wade gently down the...
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There are certain behaviors you can engage in if your 5. or if your 67. but those 52 years in between present an ambiguous slew of norms that cannot be broken. to elaborate, this is the time between recognizing you have testicles, and realizing your testicles are dragging across the kitchen floor.  this is...
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So Payless ShoeSource isn’t trendy. But there is no reason why paying pesos for my favorite kicks at the local PSS should send me spiraling downward into an oblivion of 90′s fashion disaster. Why do I spend all that time trimming my ball hair (props tough_love) when a girl won’t even look past my...
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Please. Its not like I discriminiate on the basis of age, gender, or cognitive ability. If you have a chest, I want to shit all over it. No? You’re still not getting it! Let me break it down:
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about writing the word ‘cunt’ in capital letters for everyone to see. CUNT. welcome
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