nonpretentious

3 Niches Not Yet Tapped in Online Dating

I started thinking about niche dating sites a few years back when I wrote a story about J4J4J4J.com, a dating site exclusively for Jews for Jesus.  As I sit, tapping my fingers, waiting for someone to launch that goldmine (and, yes, J4J4J4J.com will be a goldmine), I decided to brainstorm about other potential niche dating sites.¹

Here are three niche dating sites that (surprisingly!) have not yet launched:

1.  PhishKiss2LoveChild.com: This site is perfect for anyone who didn’t meet the love of their dreams while tripping out on mushrooms in the parking lot of a jam band show.  Site is ad supported by unemployed musicians teaching hacky sack moves and the art of drum circling.  To help you find your patchouli-smelling soul mate, the site recommends answering a few questions about yourself.  Examples include: how many times per week do you shower; rank The Grateful Dead, Dave Matthews Band, The String Cheese Incident, Medeski Martin & Wood, and moe. based on their talents; and, Y/N section about whether you’re down with cigarettes, marijuana, mushrooms, hippie flipping, candy flipping, or other.  Successful couples send in videos that usually include footage of hippie dancing at the wedding party or toddlers with baby dreadlocks.

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17 of 23

Who’s there?

Question #17:

You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.

Which option do you select?

vs.

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[Cut] Eat Something!

Order a salad on the first date? Cut! I like food. You should, too. It tastes good and provides all the nutrients you need to maintain a healthy body weight. Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT a healthy body weight. And she’s ugly.

[Cut] Needs Hooked on Phonics

Sends (sober!) texts like, “Hey cutie. Your so sexy.  We still on for tonight? Can’t wait to see you their.”  Cut.

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In this spirit of Dealbreakers, here’s a column where nonpretentious contributors tell you when to cut your man or your woman.

Dear Undergrad: An Exchange

Dear Undergrad,

I received your paper via email today. I’m very impressed that you turned it in on time. The clever little joke at the end about it going to be late, I have to admit, made me laugh. But let’s get down to business shall we.

I asked you to write an essay that related your experiences during spring break and to then evaluate those experiences within the broader context of what it means to be an American student. In regards to describing your spring break, you did a okay job. When I said feel free to use a little “truthiness” I certainly did not expect this level of “creativity” from you. Continue reading…

[Cut] Animals in Purses

Girls with dead-eyed rat-dogs in sweaters sticking out of their purses?  Cut.

That thing is begging to be anything else: stuck in a drainage pipe, fighting off a vigorously thorough parasite, 20 seconds from becoming hot dog meat.  Just do it a favor and chuck it into traffic like a baseball, sadist.

[Cut] The Height Factor – the flip side

Short woman cares about you being tall? Cut.

I’ve seen this online so often….”must be over 5 ft. 10 inches.” Talk about superficial. It’s one thing if you’re a tall woman, but I’ve seen this on so many short women’s profiles.

Dear Graduate Student: An Exchange

Dear Grad Student,

First, I’d like to apologize for my behavior in our last class before Spring Break.  I know you’re just doing your job when you do stuff like assign a term paper just before we all go on vacation, so standing on my chair and making the “suck it” sign was not really as funny as it was supposed to be, especially since I hadn’t noticed that you no longer had your back to me.

I realize we may have not gotten off to a great start on the first day of classes, when I careened off the lecture hall doorway and face planted in front of your desk.  There was a lot more blood and vomit then I like to shed on a first day. My frat brother Harpo told me, and I don’t recall this, mind you, but apparently I went on a six minute diatribe, churning with vulgarities and the occasional bizarre sexual reference, on my complete lack of respect for TA’s in general.

My point is, these days are behind us, and I believe you and I may be able to forge a fresh, dare I say, mutually respectful TA-student relationship.

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[Cut] The Height Factor

Guys under 5′5″?  Cut.

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In this spirit of Dealbreakers, here’s a column where nonpretentious contributors tell you when to cut your man or your woman.

A Horribly Bitter Description of Film School from Someone Who’s Been There

“Film school?”  Yeah, I just came from there.

Let me tell you a little bit about film school, you basement-dwelling, Netflix-hawking, Tyler Durdens, out there; challenging your friends to movie trivia contests and answering their “What was that guy from?” inquiries with a sick sense of glee.

Get there.  Get there as soon as possible.  For the first time, you’ll be home.  You’ll bask in the warm sensation of familiarity as you are finally with others like you and you’ll get a chill of thrilling adrenaline when the full workload is bestowed upon you.

Yes.  It’s like pissing your pants.  Except this time, the entire auditorium isn’t laughing at you.  They’re looking on sympathetically, fists in the air:  “Been there, dude.  Power through.  Power through.”

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