15 things I’ve wanted to say, but bit down hard on my tongue instead.
1. To the fat man next to me on the interminably long flight: Your gut is spilling onto my lap, you overfed hippo. Stop tilting the plane!
2. To the police-officer who gave me an outrageous fine for speeding: I may have said, Thank you sir, I won’t speed again. But what I actually meant was, is your power a penis substitute?
3. To my neighbour who tries to complete my sentences for me: The next time we converse, I’m going to break into gibberish. Let’s see you finish that!
4. To the religious zealots on my staff: I believe in reincarnation and evolution. Enjoy hell!
5. To the colleague whose depth-chargers stink up the bowels of the Ladies’ Room: Take a dump at home – you fetid, dirty girl!
6. To the lady who leaves the scent of fish hanging in the air of the toilet-cubicle: Please wash…down there! Here’s a handy tip, use soap.
7. To my boss: You’re common and unethical. Saying that, “You’re farting against thunder” or “being shat upon from a dizzy height” during a staff meeting, does not make you the exemplar of panache and class.
8. To the racist restauranteur who gives poor service to people of colour: Scale the boughs of your family-tree, love’y, and you’ll see that grand-pa did it, doggy-style, with a slave.
9. To the panel who denied me access to a laureate writing course: Saying that I should incorporate the use of rhyme more, makes you look amateur and stuffy!
10. To my friends who mock me for being vegan: I don’t pick on the decaying offal on your plates, guys. Leave my rocket and carrots the fuck alone!
11. To my father who drinks too much: I don’t blame you. You married her!
12. To my mother: Actually mum, those weren’t childhood hidings, that was abuse.
13. To my husband’s bitchy older sister: Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
14. To the stranger I met not too long ago: Married or not, I should have kissed you.
15. To my husband: Get bent.