Mr.Oink’s Zero Entry

August 19, 2008

What is a Mr.Oink?

I am. And what indeed. I’m only the newest product from NonPretentious. I am (and I took a personality test on Facebook to figure this out, so listen up) — I am Creative, Expressive, Logical, Objective, Curious, Compulsive, Spontaneous, Loyal, Ambitious. The personality test also said that I was organized. Hmm.

Zero Entry

My ideas:

(a) Start every entry I make by saying:

“Folks, I’m new here. And I’ll tell you more about myself later. But for now, I have something far more exciting to share. Just please … keep … this … a … secret.”

Which would work if I ever had anything far more exciting to share.

(b) Trash California. They think they’re so great with all the perfect weather, the high tech industries, the Pacific Ocean, San Diego. Whatever.

(c) Google Wormhole. I have this idea for a type of wormhole wherein you could travel back and forth from the coasts. Google could build it because they know a lot and they have more money that God. And then they could make it like Google Books, where they advertise it on their site but you actually have to go to Amazon and make a purchase to get anything substantive. But the cost of a hardcover book is well worth a trip to San Fran — don’t you think? What the hell’s stopping Google, then? Bastards are holding out!

(d) My girlfriend’s problem. I decided against this topic because she sensitive about it. But I’m just trying to get her help. She’s really beautiful. She’d probably be a model except for the farting. Anyhow, she lies about it too. She blames me and says that I’m just projecting. I don’t even know what that means. She’s crazy. It’s her (and my dog, until my dog’s untimely departure for the Midwest, bless her little heart) who has the problem — not me. I mean, I could cut down the amount of vegetables I eat, I don’t know.

(e) Earthquake!

In NYC. Be careful. If you can, go to the shore to protect yourself.

I ran across an article that said NYC had bad earthquakes in 1737 and 1884. By my calculations, that means. Just a moment.

1884 – 1737 + [magic formula] = 147

By my calculations, that means NYC is going to have another earthquake like tomorrow. Well, actually in 2031. But never too early to get ready. By “get ready,” I mean go to the shore. Hmmm….

I don’t know. Should we vote about my first entry then?

And one more thing. If today’s entry — what I’ll call my “zero entry” — if this entry sucks, it’s because I was coerced into doing it before I had a good idea. That’s why it’s my zero entry. Okay?

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