nonpretentious

12 of 23

My life is falling apart. Please, be my glue. Rubber cement preferably.

Question #12:
Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about?

I’m not sure why’d I be the guest of HONOR? I’m pretty sure I’d be the guest of UN-HONOR. I fear it would be more like a roast. Not to mention there’d be like 5 people there, and that might be a lie. 15 minutes, huh? I guess I would talk mostly about myself, what I’m doing, what I plan to do, blah, blah. Then I’d probably perform karaoke. Most likely the wildly popular but completely inappropriate for this gathering, “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera, or as I like to call, the Ex-Cetera. Which actually is perfect. I would then most likely try to get them all liquored up and suggest an orgy. What? I’ve already seen them naked.

Slippery when wet, and all that jazz.

It’s not the size of your pannis…

If society were a person, say, like pop hardly-sensation Mika, it might say… “Big Girls, you are beautiful.”

But this is pretty old news, gal pals. You can be as plus-sized as you choose and still love the rolly-polly skin you’re in! Ask Tyra or Harrumph.

But let me be the arbiter of a truth so doughy and vile that you reconsider.

There is a part of every human’s body that has a serious weight limit.  Below the belly button an

d above the jewels, the PANNIS (not to be confused with a word that makes every smut writer giggle like a school girl) is the part of your tummy that hangs over your waistline.  Pannises don’t start big.

But with age and an appetite, your cute love donut slowly becomes an amoeboid monster that rivals The Blob in it’s locomotive independence and man-eating potential.

TRANSLATION: WHEN YOUR STOMACH GETS TOO BIG, IT

COLONIZES YOUR MID-SECTION WITH SUCH GUSTO THAT YOU ARE

GUARANTEED A  LOVELESS MARRIAGE AND A CARREER TRAJECTORY THAT PEAKS AT THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY MASCOT TRYOUTS.

I can guess you aren’t taking me seriously.  Consider:

Continue reading…

It's not the size of your pannis…

If society were a person, say, like pop hardly-sensation Mika, it might say… “Big Girls, you are beautiful.”

But this is pretty old news, gal pals. You can be as plus-sized as you choose and still love the rolly-polly skin you’re in! Ask Tyra or Harrumph.

But let me be the arbiter of a truth so doughy and vile that you reconsider.

There is a part of every human’s body that has a serious weight limit.  Below the belly button an

d above the jewels, the PANNIS (not to be confused with a word that makes every smut writer giggle like a school girl) is the part of your tummy that hangs over your waistline.  Pannises don’t start big.

But with age and an appetite, your cute love donut slowly becomes an amoeboid monster that rivals The Blob in it’s locomotive independence and man-eating potential.

TRANSLATION: WHEN YOUR STOMACH GETS TOO BIG, IT

COLONIZES YOUR MID-SECTION WITH SUCH GUSTO THAT YOU ARE

GUARANTEED A  LOVELESS MARRIAGE AND A CARREER TRAJECTORY THAT PEAKS AT THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY MASCOT TRYOUTS.

I can guess you aren’t taking me seriously.  Consider:

Continue reading…

November 15 Prop 8 Protest + Utah/Sex Boycott

Prop 8 has me really pissed me off. If you’ve just popped in from Mars, Prop 8 is amendment to California’s constitution restricting marriage to heterosexuals that passed on Nov 4 by a narrow margin. It strips LGBT people of their right to existing marriage in California. According to its proponants, it also invalidates tens of thousands of existing marriages that have occurred since gay marriage was legalized; hopefully, CA courts won’t enforce this provision of the law.

Prop 8 was discrimination by referendum. And it’s going to get worse. The next wave of referendums will be directed at eliminating LGBT people’s rights to have children. We’ve already seen it in Florida, Utah, Arkansas, and a few other states. Dan Savage wrote an op-ed in today’s New York Times about Arkansas’s referendum that passed on Nov 4. But those responsible for referendums like Prop 8 have been encouraged by their success and they’re getting bolder and bolder. It’s really scary. If there was a referendum today in California or New York to eliminate adoption by gay people, would it pass? I hate to admit that I think it almost surely would, especially given that anti-gay groups would be stirring up fears and prejudices about gay people being harmful to children.

What to do? I propose three actions:

1. Protest on November 15

Thousands of LGBTQ people and allies already have begun to protest those responsible for passing Prop 8.

A national day of protest against Prop 8 is scheduled for Nov 15. Protests are being organized in cities across the country. If you live in NYC or Philly or whatever city, look at this website for information on the protest.

2. Boycott Utah

Why Utah you ask? Because that’s where Mormons live (Utah is 62% Mormon). And Mormons contributed perhaps the majority of organization and funding to Prop 8 (some estimates say up to 70% of individual donations came to fund Prop 8 came from Mormons), as encouraged by the Mormon church and its leadership.

Thus, a national boycott of tourism to Utah has been proposed.

3. No Sex for Non-Allies

Okay, this one’s my own idea. I figure that most straight girls I know support gay rights. But straight boys are all over the map. And they’re holding us back. If they’re not going to be allies, though, we need to kick them where it hurts.

Have a boyfriend/partner/friend-with-benefits who isn’t an ally? Did he vote for John McCain? Then no sex for him! Make him promise he’ll support his gay brothers and donate $100 to gay causes before you’ll have sex with him again. I don’t care how hot he is. Do it for the cause. Withhold until he supports!

Book Review: The Late Bloomer’s Revolution by Amy Cohen

—

Those who know me (or who know my writing), may be surprised by my choice for my first book review attempt.  It’s not that I don’t like chick-lit or that I have to be eponymous.  I never expected, similar to the Jewish-female author Amy Cohen, to be addressing my own life as a single woman at the age of “late twenties.”

I’ve been the type of girl whose always had a boyfriend.   Continue reading…

8 of 23

Florida is ridiculous for many reasons that I’m too depressed to get into now, perhaps
later. But for now, do what ever you can to avoid this place. Please, please. I’m dying
inside. Save yourselves.

Question #8:
You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper philosophy.”
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

Oh, man. Romance + Nerdery = Orgasm. At least in my book. You know, I’ve actually never watched The Dark Crystal. Perhaps I should. I’ve watched Labyrinth and it seems to me they are the same genre at least. Though I think I do prefer watching a creepy, but awesome, Bowie with a cod piece, making weird inappropriate passes at a 15-year-old Jennifer Connelly. Not because I enjoy wearing cod pieces and making inappropriate passes at 15 year olds, but just because the whole thing is ludicrous. Especially when you start to think of the movie outside of itself, as in imagining the production meetings when they are going over the kind of makeup and costume Bowie will be wearing, what the director is asking Bowie to do…That sort of thing. Of course it’s all conjecture. For all I know, Bowie just showed up on the set wearing that shit, possibly having been out partying the night before and not having time to shower and change, and the director and producer see him and say, “Genius, great costume Bowie.” And in a saucy British accent Bowie replies, “It’s not a costume. I was out last night with Elton, and well, let’s just say we had a breakthrough and we saw the world for what it really is. Elton and his obnoxiously big limo dropped me off here a moment ago. I have a funny taste in my mouth, do you have any mouth wash?”

ANYWAY, you know it’s hard to tell how I would feel about such a woman in the long term. I know for certain I would immediately overwhelmingly attracted to her. Nerdery is a prime component to my attraction to women. Why? Because I am one. See here’s the thing. Not only would I have to put up with her obsession with The Dark Crystal, but she would have to put with my obsession with The Lord of the Rings. The extent of my obsession you ask? Well I can’t speak Orc or Elvish, but I do read the books EVERY summer. And I periodically watch the extended versions of the movies as if they were a tv show (i.e. I watch them episodically). And I often randomly quote the books and/or movies (mostly movies, I’m an audio learner, but I guess I’m also visual, just not in a reading way, more pictorally). For instance, as I’m driving some lost fool will ask me, “Where are we going?” I respond completely inappropriately in a gruff voice, “Into the wild Master Gamgee.” Which is usually met with silence or rarely with a “Unhand him Longshanks or I’ll run you through,” in which case we have hearty generous laugh and make uncomfortable eye contact.

I guess in my ideal world I would marry this amazing woman who is obsessed with The Dark Crystal and we would have amazing fantasy sex all the time. I would usually be Aragorn of course. But on particularly generous days I would be a cunnilingus-doling dwarf named Gimli. And my wife, she would be Kira I suppose. I might be into that.

I guess, the question that remains is whether I ever “intensely talk about the film’s deeper meaning” in regards to LOTR. I think I do, never as a classic example of manichaeanism, because it is, which is actually a fault of it I believe, not to mention of its archaic use of black/primitive motifs for evil and white/ethical/moralistic motifs for good. But perhaps I would speak of its take on the definition of home (Frodo’s whole struggle with returning home and then leaving again because he realizes that the Shire was never really home for him, bringing into consideration the loss of his parents, lack of romantic interest [save for his homoerotic relationship with Samwise Gamgee], and apparently innate taste for travel and adventure). LOOK, I’m already starting to do it.

I’ll stop there, since you aren’t the love of my life and we have no chance of fantasy role playing coitus. Unless we do, and in that case, you know how to get a hold of me.

What is going on?

Online dating…does it exist?

Presidential election…who’s running, Goldman Sachs or Foldem Sachs?  Why did the Milwaukee Brewers fire Ned Yost two weeks before their first playoff run  since 1982?  Why is Brett Favre running around in a New York Jets uniform?

Here is a message I got from a girl on match.com, who has been sending me random emails and phone texts for a good month now but has never actually met me or “dated me.”  She has canceled on two ‘dates’ but has proceeded to up date me with her life with her dog, her grandmother, her job, her apartment, her neighbors, her family get-togethers, oh and finally…her niece.

Here is a sample email… Continue reading…

Welcome to the Big City …

I just stepped on (barefoot) and saw a cockroach — in that order — for the first time in my life. Yow.

So, I panicked and starting screaming and yelping around the apartment and woke up my girlfriend. Oh well. Not a very macho response, if I do say so.

Look What I Just Found!

[Used to be a fake photo of Palin in an Old Glory bikini toting a rifle]

Update:
Perhaps I should be fair. I mean, haven’t we come far enough along in our society that a woman can raise a rifle, shoot into the clear blue sky from your pool deck, while wearing old glory to patriotically cover her womanly parts. This is America, and we can do whatever the hell we want and then run for the second highest executive office in the nation. Fuck! The President of Russia can take off his shirt while fishing, and they invade unsuspecting countries for fun. Ha! So do we! So, just for you Palin, I give you Putin. You guys are going to really get along.

Update #2:
Friendly reader, Michael, astutely pointed out that the bikini gun toting image is a fake. Check the comment section for a link to the expose (you have to click on the post title to see comments). So I have removed the photo in a lame effort to retain my journalistic integrity, though I’m neither a journalist or have integrity. But I am not a panderer of lies. Unless they get me somewhere further in life. Like a job for instance.

DNC Day 3

Let’s talk.

I’m going to attempt a running commentary during tonight’s major speeches: Bill Clinton (happening right now!) and Joe Biden. Fellow contributors, join in. Readers, join in. Let’s get started.

9:18 PM
Hillary is wearing teal tonight. Me likey. And Chelsea looks good to! Oh yeah, did you see Jennifer Garner and Jessica Alba earlier. They’re sitting next to each other, like they know each other. ha! fat chance. Though I would like to have sex with both of them right now, while listening to Bill Clinton telling me to vote for Barack Obama.

9:24 PM
Is it me, or do Hillary’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of her head? Kind of like this:

Mac and Me

9:26 PM
Yes! Got the thumb up from Bill! Ooo. Who is that saucy Asian he just kissed?

9:29 PM
God, I hate Wolf. He’s the worst. If I was given the choice to take a million dollars or shoot Wolf in the foot, I’d shoot Wolf in the foot.

Fletch is in the audience. Now it’s a party.

9:34 PM
Does anyone think that Carville has become a caricature of himself. If he had hair, he’d be Yosemite Sam.

9:36 PM
Thank god, we don’t have to listen John Kerry right now. He’s probably flip flopping and some how fucking the shit up.

9:43 PM
Wow. Kerry is pretty good at campaigning for other people. shit, he should have just pretended someone else was running in ‘04. Or referred to himself in the third person.

9:45 PM
What? Obama’s uncle is white? Obama isn’t pure black? He’s a halfy? Micegenation! Micegenation!

That was me being a Republican for a moment.

9:49 PM
I really think they need to get some crunk music on. I want some Young Jeezy/Kanye – Put On

Let’s get gully!

10:08 PM
I’m an idiot. I finally figured out a better way to do this so that my posts are taking up all the room and pushing out the other ones. Hooray technology!

10:12 PM
Fuck. I want to listen to Tammy Duckworth, Iraq War Veteran. NOT WOLF BLITZER!

10:14 PM
Really? Meg Whitman? Former CEO of eBay? What? Context. She is a possible choice for John McCain’s VP. Ridiculous. What, is she going to auction off the US to the highest bidder? Too late, Bush already sold us to Halliburton.

10:17 PM
God, that formal nomination process scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t tell if the people were yelling “yea” or “nay.” Fancy Nancy Pelosi didn’t even hesitate to see if there were any “no’s.” It was terrifying. What if someone said no. Would they be beaten to death. Seems like there was a lot of peer pressure in that place.

10:28 PM
What is with all these people crying? Are these speeches really that emotional? I mean, they’re pretty good, some excellent. But tear worthy? Am I just a cold shallow man?

10:35 PM
“Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can get back up”
“Haven’t given up on me yet, Alfred?” “Nevah!”

Joe Biden is terrifying. I think that’s a good thing. I think. Jury’s still out.

10:37 PM
I have this very real fear that if I don’t vote for Obama, Biden will show up at my door and punch me in the brain.

10:55 PM
Damn. I think I’m shitting my pants. This is all pretty damn exciting. But I keep thinking of my friend Seth who keeps saying that he’s terrified about this election. It’s so hard after the crushing disappointment four years ago to really truly believe that we can get out of the shit. But damn, Obama is a sexy, sexy man.

I’m not going to bother with Wolf and Anderson’s asinine comments. I’ll talk to ya’ll tomorrow night for Obama’s acceptance speech. Peace!