All Posts in School

It’s an ordinary Tuesday in the second week of June, and that means the kids aren’t doing shit.  And it means I – the sub – am not doing much to change that. It’s the first time all year it’s not pitch black during 1st hour.  Instead of being at the mercy of a...
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Let us revisit the four essential duties of a professional substitute teacher: 1) Put your name on the board. 2) Take attendance. 3) Hand out the worksheet or push play on the VCR 4) Shushing Today we will be focusing on the second part of duty #3. “Hey Mr. Killstudent,” a friend of mine...
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Dear Undergrad, This will be my last note to you until next fall. For several reasons. The most obvious being that the semester has ended, your final has been graded and your final grade for the term submitted. If it turns out you’re not happy with your grade, if you feel like your half-ass...
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Dear Undergrad, Our semester is coming to a close. Your final paper is due in two weeks, and frankly, I’m concerned. You have yet to come to my office hours one single time. You know when I remind you in class that I’m always available on Wednesdays from 1pm-2pm and Thursdays from 3pm-4pm and...
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Let us revisit the four essential duties of a professional substitute teacher: 1) Put your name on the board. 2) Take attendance. 3) Hand out the worksheet or push play on the VCR 4) Shushing Today we will be focusing on duty #3. “We got a su-u-u-u-b!“  A freshman boy deliriously spreads the good...
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“Battleship Potemkin… is that the one where Steven Seagal is the Navy SEAL disguised as a cook?”
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Dear Undergrad, It was good to see you in the university gym that was built for all students to use at their discretion. I love it when you sit in the weight machine that exercises your inner and outer thighs and talk to the Sigma Alpha Epsilon president about where you might go out...
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College is a complete waste of time, designed for idiots who have been trained how to think. Recently, I was denied a teaching job because of something shocking on my resume. As a result, the only option left to me is continue playing in a band, because my career as an academician has come...
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Dear Undergrad, Please refrain from sending such informal emails to me, your instructor. For your learning pleasure I’ve included your original email followed by an example of how it should have been composed. Enjoy. And Learn. Subject: From: undergrad Date: 9/9/09 10:51 AM To: Graduate Student Instructor I don’t want to be that...
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Dear Undergrad, School’s in…for autumn. Get it? The opposite of “School’s out for summer.” Though I suppose autumn isn’t really the opposite of summer. And who says “autumn” other than English graduate students? Did you read any good books over the summer? What classes are you taking? Despite the hostility in our letters last...
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