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How do you blow your nose?

Here in Madison, WI we are in the middle of frigidly cold winter.  The past two days were in negative tens with windchills in the negative thirties.  My nose has been stuffed for the past two weeks so I am starting to suspest that I am doing something wrong.  Would someone help me clear my nose.

Currently I am using what I consider the one-two punch of nose clearing. First I netty pot.  Netty pot is an amazing genius contraption. In 1528 Albert Netty stole a design from Frank Gravy when he designed his amazing sinus flushing boat.  His sinus flushing boat pours water into one nostril which rushes up through the sinuses and out the other nostril.  This causes several booger torpedoes to launch from the nose in a rush of water.  Once I do this in both nostrils my entire face is covered in tepid booger water so I need to clean up with some facial tissue.  I use the special chemical weaponry tissue, puffs with vicks vapor rub, to  clean off my face and blow out any remaining water/snot torpedoes.  It is a disturbing morning amalgamation of snot, water and kleenex.  Yet I still can’t fucken breath.   Could I got some help from the readers of nonpretentious.

Interesting Fact about Your Nation

Your nation is safe. It is full of yearners yearning for the golden glory of your nation.

Don’t worry.  Your nation is safe.

Casual Encounters

Here is a situation I know everyone out there has faced at least once.

On a rainy late summer evening the heavy muggy air started driving me wild.  It was a combination of boredom and randiness.  So I went to craislist.com and searched the casual encounters.  There it was–in beautiful blue html—BBM tired of rain, seeks plaything.  Without a second thought an email was sent off to this BBM and I awaited its arrival.

Then it hit.  What the hell is a BBM?!

My first inclination was Bountifully Bouncing Mammaries.  That would be wonderful, but I know that it also stands for “Black Berry Messenger.” Frantically searching the internet I discovered that BBM can stand for many different things like, Broke Back Mountain (Urbandictionary), Battery Backup Module (huh?), and worst of all Big Beautiful Male.

45 Minutes later the apartment buzzer sang.  Sweating like an illiterate child trying to read I pressed “talk” and asked who it was.  The reply was in a voice deeper than that guy who was in Armageddon, and Dodgeball, and the Greenmile, “It’s DonTré.”  I let DonTré up.  We made love and he held me very tenderly.  We laughed about the Typo he made: technically he was BBBM (Big Beautiful Black Male).  Overall it was a really nice time and certainly helped me take my mind off the rain.

Now to the point.  There are a lot of acronyms out there—especially in casual encounter land.  Would the dignified members of Nonpretentious help me catalog some of their favorites or most unusual?  I will Start:

CMBWTMA: Cup my balls while tickling my armpits
If you haven’t tried this yet you haven’t lived.  It kind of looks like a person doing the “C” from YMCA dance, but while holding your balls and tickling the shit out of you.

Coming Clean

Yeah Ok, somone ratted me out.  At least they were telling truth.  I LOVE fat girls.

Please girls, if you are out there: don’t be afraid to finish that can of pringles or that bag of doritos.  Many of you must be wondering– why?  Why does this chubby boy from Wisconsin love chubby girls so much.   Well let me give you 10 reasons.

1. The more cushion the better the pushin.

2. I don’t care whats in your boobs (milk, doritos, pringles) as long as they are huge.

3. Being out eaten gives me a hard-on.

4. Eaten out well fed girls is better than eaten out starvin marvins.

5. I want to grab a big butt, not a little but.

6. Fat used to be in, like in the 1700’s.

7. As a Jew, nothing gets me off like challah rolls–or rolls in general.

8. Shnuggling is better.

9. Big Girls love protein shakes.

10. I am a big girl, just pre-op, and vain as hell.

There you have it.  Why I love Biiig girls.  So if you are 240+ don’t be shy.  I will snuggle you and treat your privates like royalty.  Just dial 1-800-fat-girls.  Peace and Carrots.

Harrumph