The Mustache Diaries: Day 1
I don’t like to run. Don’t take that to mean that I can’t run. I can fairly well. I’m one of the fastest people I know over short distances. I once beat my friend in a friendly race down the streets of a Chicago suburb. I was barefoot and I ran backwards for some of the way. But I was also 22 years old. I’ve slowed down a bit in the last 8 years. But that doesn’t really matter. I can run fast and far if need be. I never wear flip flops while driving or flying in case I’m in a wreck and am required to run some great distance for help. Also, once night falls, I only wear shoes, sneakers, or smart trainers, so that just in case I’m attacked I can either run away or towards my assailants depending on their appearance, relative level of ferocity, and my level of intoxication. But still, I don’t like to run. So I’m not running for cancer, I am growing a mustache for cancer. It’s through an organization called Mustaches vs. Cancer. For the next 8 weeks I will be growing a mustache.
I’ve had a mustache only three other times in my life. When I was 14 my first mustache began to come in. It was fuzzy, it was dark, it made me look like a child who needed to shave. I’m serious, I simply looked like I needed to shave. I didn’t look Mexican or like a migrant worker, and besides, to have said so is racist. It was soft and I hated it. My parents didn’t let me shave till I was 16. I was the type of kid that listened to his parents because he had no idea what else he was supposed do, mostly because he didn’t have any friends. I’m not trying to elicit tears here, but you don’t really know how or if you should rebel unless you watch someone else do it or are trying to be like someone else. I didn’t know anyone well enough to try to be like them. But that doesn’t mean I knew who I was. I was figuring it all out; and still am.
So for the next 8 weeks you and I will be figuring this thing out. There will be daily pictures and daily entries. Growing a mustache can change you. You’re forced to face people with this ridiculous thing one your face and you could preface every conversation with an explanation of why you’re doing it, but you don’t want to appear self-conscience or lacking in self-confidence because you look utterly ridiculous. Does that mean everyone looks ridiculous in a mustache, no, of course not. Burt Reynolds looks ridiculous without a mustache. So does Principal Feeny.
Then there’s the itching and all of the grooming choices. How must I shape it, should I style it or go natural? Who is to say? We shall find out. One thing I can take pride in is my uncanny ability to grow facial hair relatively quickly. Oh yeah, the other two times I’ve had a mustache: 2) At a bachelor party just because and 3) when I was predictably Borat for Halloween in 2007. And if you were wondering if there’s other types of cancer research I support, there is. I buy Quilted Northern Ultra Plush Komen for the Cure toilet paper. Curing cancer one wipe and one whisker at time. We are all heroes. Not just firemen. So come along with me on this magical journey. Yes, it will be magical.
Kiren, a.k.a. Mr. Killstache
You can donate to Kiren’s mustache and help cure kids with cancer by going to Mustaches vs. Cancer and searching for Mr. Killstache. It’s a scientific fact that Kiren’s mustache grows better with multiple and frequent donations.