15 things I’ve wanted to say, but bit down hard on my tongue instead.

August 31, 2010
By

Mouthing off1. To the fat man next to me on the interminably long flight: Your gut is spilling onto my lap, you overfed hippo. Stop tilting the plane!

2. To the police-officer who gave me an outrageous fine for speeding: I may have said, Thank you sir, I won’t speed again. But what I actually meant was, is your power a penis substitute?

3. To my neighbour who tries to complete my sentences for me: The next time we converse, I’m going to break into gibberish. Let’s see you finish that!

4. To the religious zealots on my staff: I believe in reincarnation and evolution. Enjoy hell!

5. To the colleague whose depth-chargers stink up the bowels of the Ladies’ Room: Take a dump at home – you fetid, dirty girl!

6. To the lady who leaves the scent of fish hanging in the air of the toilet-cubicle: Please wash…down there! Here’s a handy tip, use soap.

7. To my boss: You’re common and unethical. Saying that, “You’re farting against thunder” or “being shat upon from a dizzy height” during a staff meeting, does not make you the exemplar of panache and class.

8. To the racist restauranteur who gives poor service to people of colour: Scale the boughs of your family-tree, love’y, and you’ll see that grand-pa did it, doggy-style, with a slave.

9. To the panel who denied me access to a laureate writing course: Saying that I should incorporate the use of rhyme more, makes you look amateur and stuffy!

10. To my friends who mock me for being vegan: I don’t pick on the decaying offal on your plates, guys. Leave my rocket and carrots the fuck alone!

11. To my father who drinks too much: I don’t blame you. You married her!

12. To my mother: Actually mum, those weren’t childhood hidings, that was abuse.

13. To my husband’s bitchy older sister: Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

14. To the stranger I met not too long ago: Married or not, I should have kissed you.

15. To my husband: Get bent.

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5 Responses to “ 15 things I’ve wanted to say, but bit down hard on my tongue instead. ”

  1. Sarah Gibbons on September 1, 2010 at 9:49 am

    There is nothing more satisfying then taking a dump at work.

  2. Melissa Sachs on September 1, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    paid to poop? sign me up.

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