Things Heard at the Movies Just Before “SHHHHH”

March 20, 2010


The Da Vinci Code

  • “Why’s he doing that to himself?  Looks painful.”
  • “Well, at least they won’t bother with the sequel.”

Angels and Demons

  • *Snoring*

Inglourious Basterds

  • “Mmm.  They spelled it wrong.  I just noticed that.”
  • “Wait, did they just shoot him?  Wasn’t that Hitler?  I thought that was Hitler.”
  • “When did Eli Roth switch from ‘shitty director’ to ‘even shittier actor?’”

The Crazies

  • “Man, I thought that girl was gonna get pitchforked real bad.  Good thing they esca–oh she’s dead.”
  • “Wow, those zombies are just crazy.  Oh, now I get it!” (Hit with flying soda)


  • “What do cars raining from the skies have to do with a Mayan prophecy?”
  • “Didn’t NASA refute the 2012 thing?  And then also Mayan priests?”
  • “I don’t even have time to care about these characters before they’re killed.  Yep, there goes another one.  So long, Danny Glover.”
  • “This is fucking stupid.”

Wolf Man

  • (20 minutes into movie) “So… Anthony Hopkins is the wolf, right?”
  • “We’re not really going to see a CG Anthony Hopkins-wolf fight scene here, are we?  No way.”  (3 minutes later)”Jesus Christ.”
  • “Well, at least it’s better than Angels and Demons.”
  • *Snoring*

The Hurt Locker

  • “I–”

Star Trek

  • “Hang on.  So we’re supposed to believe that in the entire Stark Trek universe, of all the galaxies, of all the planets, of all the snowy caves, Kirk finds the one with Leonard Nimoy in it? Wasn’t the original series all about the crew on a five year mission to just explore all of space because it was so fucking massive?”  (Gets up to leave)  ”No, YOU shush.”


  • “Why… why don’t I want them to cut away from the blue people sex?  What does that say about me?”
  • (On cell phone) “No, it looks great, but the story’s shit.  Just pure garbage.”  (No one shushes)
  • “Please put the blue people fucking back on screen.  Please.”


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