Archive for March, 2010

What follows is an account of my 8-day spring break vacation, spent at the ski resort Whistler/Blackcomb in British Columbia, Canada. It’s just me and my parents. I am 30 years old. Single. Depressed. God rapes us in mysterious ways. For those of you who may know me and my parents, I must say,...
Read more »

Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich The youngest writer in SNL history puts together a collection of 1-2 page skits (“What I imagined the people around me were saying when I was 13,” and “What I want my tombstone to say when I die of encephalitis next week”) that he thought would be funny.  They are.
Read more »

At dinner I look through the window beside me and notice the women in the hotel room across the way are standing around in their underwear trying to figure out what to wear. From a distance they seem attractive. I try to will them to remove their underwear or to look at me and...
Read more »

His Facebook profile lists Enya, Insane Clown Posse, and Creed as his favorite music.  Cut. –
Read more »

I started thinking about niche dating sites a few years back when I wrote a story about J4J4J4J.com, a dating site exclusively for Jews for Jesus.  As I sit, tapping my fingers, waiting for someone to launch that goldmine (and, yes, J4J4J4J.com will be a goldmine), I decided to brainstorm about other potential niche...
Read more »

Order a salad on the first date? Cut! I like food. You should, too. It tastes good and provides all the nutrients you need to maintain a healthy body weight. Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT a healthy body weight.
Read more »

Sends (sober!) texts like, “Hey cutie. Your so sexy.  We still on for tonight? Can’t wait to see you their.”  Cut. – In this spirit of Dealbreakers, here’s a column where nonpretentious contributors tell you when to cut your man or your woman.
Read more »

Girls with dead-eyed rat-dogs in sweaters sticking out of their purses?  Cut. That thing is begging to be anything else: stuck in a drainage pipe, fighting off a vigorously thorough parasite, 20 seconds from becoming hot dog meat.  Just do it a favor and chuck it into traffic like a baseball, sadist.
Read more »

Short woman cares about you being tall? Cut. I’ve seen this online so often….”must be over 5 ft. 10 inches.” Talk about superficial. It’s one thing if you’re a tall woman, but I’ve seen this on so many short women’s profiles.
Read more »

The fraternity president has disavowed all knowledge of our actions, so I'm looking to you. I know you're just a TA, but try and understand that there are things in life outside of pretending to be a professor.
Read more »