Dear Mila,

Hello. My name is…well, just call me RJ. Kind of like Ray J, but not really. You don’t know me, and actually, I don’t know you. I know of you. Or I know you as the dumb, yet lovable Jackie Burkhart on That ’70s Show; the sassy and sexy Rachel Jansen in Forgetting Sarah Marshall; the dangerous femme fatale, Mona Sax, in Max Payne; the misunderstood angst-ridden Meg Griffin on Family Guy; and most recently, the, uh, Solara in The Book of Eli. I’m sorry, I can’t figure out how to describe your character in that movie. The character wasn’t written well. How would you describe her in no more than two words? Impossible, I tell you.

I should get to the point. Would you like to be my pen pal? I’ve never had a pen pal, and have always wanted one. You know, a semi-anonymous person to converse with via letters. I thought it would be weird to choose just some random address in the phone book and send that person a letter. But I suppose this isn’t any less weird. I don’t have your address, though I suppose the Internets is everyone’s address.

I saw Youth in Revolt today. Do you know Michael Cera? I mean, have you met him? I imagine you have, you kind of run in the same circles, you know, with Judd Apatow. Though I can’t be sure. I’m making an assumption. How about Martin Starr? Do you know him? He made a mixtape for this website. It’s pretty good, you should check it out. Just search for Martin Starr there in the search bar. Or just browse the Mixtapes. Anyway, YiR was pretty good, fun. I did think it was weird that Sheeni forgave Nick so easily for getting her expelled from her dream school. I suppose people do funny things when they’re lonely. Like write letters to actors who are unlikely to respond.

Well, maybe now that I’ve gotten my introduction out of the way, my next letter will be about just some regular stuff. Like my favorite song to drive to. Say hi to Macauly for me. Can I call him Mac?

Sincerely,