Dear Undergrad: An Exchange

Dear Undergrad,

It was good to see you in the university gym that was built for all students to use at their discretion. I love it when you sit in the weight machine that exercises your inner and outer thighs and talk to the Sigma Alpha Epsilon president about where you might go out that night and whether Brandon is going to be there because he was acting so weird the other night after you two made out at the Pimps ‘n’ Hoes party. I agree, it was so not a big deal and he should just get over himself. And you’re totally right that Lauren has no right to be jealous, she dumped him 3 weeks ago! Slut.

Anyway, I received your email asking me for a recommendation for graduate school. As I understand it, you’re planning to apply for a Master’s degree elementary education. That’s excellent. I think you’re the perfect candidate for teaching young minds how to keep up with the Kardashians. I’ve attached the letter below. I wish you way more than luck.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to give my recommendation for Jane P. Undergrad. It is my understanding that she intends to apply for enrollment in your Master’s degree program in Elementary Education for the 2010-2011 school year. Apparently, Ms. Undergrad feels I am the most appropriate member of faculty to recommend her for such a position. Whether or not this is indeed true, I cannot say for certain, but she certainly has high hopes.

I had the unmatched experience of teaching Ms. Undergrad in my freshman composition class during the fall semester of 2009. The objective of the class is to teach students how to write coherent, effective, and well-researched argumentative essays about a topic of their choice. Though the course usually denigrates to a how to write without plagiarizing exercise. In this regard, Ms. Undergrad excelled. She managed to make it through the entire semester without referencing another piece of academic scholarship a single time. In this way, she was able to deftly avoid plagiarism of any kind.

Ms. Undergrad is extremely popular among her classmates. Most of the young gentlemen in my class hang on to every word she utters, particularly on the especially warm days in which it is apparently a requirement for members of Ms. Undergrad’s sorority to wear as little clothing as possible. The other young women in the class, of which there are an extraordinary amount who belong to her sorority, are also quite enamored, if not scared, of Ms. Undergrad and are willing to explain everything to her when she is absent from class.

Ms. Undergrad is the president of her sorority and is thus excused quite often from class to attend university-sponsored events. However, when she is in class, she is most attentive and cannot stop herself from asking questions. She is always eager to prove me wrong and has on a few occasions, such as the time I remarked to the class that there is no such thing as a stupid question.

But perhaps I should return to discussing Ms. Undergrad’s academic performance in my classroom as we both know she intends to spend much of her future in classrooms. The major and last assignment for my class is a 10 to 12-page research paper. Ms. Undergrad’s topic was the whaling industry. For 10 pages Ms. Undergrad successfully described whales as the cutest animals our seas have to offer and for this reason they must be protected from the evil Asians. She was quite emotionally tied to her topic and I am sure you, as I, appreciate such dedication and involvement in her work. What was truly remarkable about Ms. Undergrad’s paper is that did not need to quote or paraphrase any credible sources to support her argument. She was able to write the entire paper using only her own original intellect and powerful emotional appeals. I must admit, her paper made me cry and question why I had ever chosen this profession.

I also had the opportunity to observe how Ms. Undergrad works in groups. She is a natural born leader. She has no fear in ordering others around and organizing who will do what and when. Her tenacity is unmatched. I have no doubt that she will be an excellent disciplinarian among tiny children.

I have spoken to Ms. Undergrad on several occasions during office hours, and she has confided to me her desire to work with children in an education setting. In fact she wrote it down on her introductions worksheet on the first day of class. She wrote, “I want to be an elementary teacher because I just think children are so cute. I mean it’s essentially like babysitting and you get the summers off.” So as you can see, she is most excited to become a teacher.

Ms. Undergrad is ambitious, outgoing, aggressive, and dedicated to her dreams. For these reasons and these reasons alone I recommend her for your consideration.

Most Sincerely,

John P. Graduate