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It’s about time.
Question #15:
Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?
You know what? This is great news. As it stands right now, I was sure that in two decades I would either be that guy drinking vodka by himself at 2:15 p.m. at Hooters, or I’d be living in my parents’ guest bedroom masturbating to old aerobics tapes. Also, this is a huge relief because up until seeing my future as a CFL fanatic, I was also quite sure that our entire civilization would collapse by the year 2025, and if I wasn’t drinking myself to death at Hooters or rubbing one out in a sock in my parents’ house, I would be wandering the road deciding whether mere survival was worth the effort, while fighting cannibals and other road warriors for food, water, and boots. I’m serious. I really believe this shit. A post-apocolyptic world is not far away. Mark my words. First, China is going to collect on our debts. Obviously we can’t pay, so the value of the dollar crashes to absolutely nothing. The government stops being able to pay for basic infrastructures, like phone, sewer, water, electricity, public transportation, public works maintainence. Everything just falls apart. Within a year, food supplies run out, we begin eating each other. Mark. My. Words. You know what my bathroom reading is? A wilderness first-aid and medicine manual. I’m joining a gun club and learning to how to shoot all kinds of guns and rocket launchers. I’m learning at least three different martial arts. And practicing holding my breath underwater. Oh yeah, and I fall asleep watching Survivorman.
Canadian Football. Hell yeah. I consider that a success. A full success. Shit, I’m not waiting. Do they have an ESPN Classic Ocho that shows the best CFL games in the history of the CFL?
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