Toilet Paper Is Archaic & Disgusting

June 16, 2009

There you are, sitting on the couch, wrapped up comfortably in your snuggie, snacking on some delicious deviled ham thanks to your countertop magician when nature calls.

So you hop on your rascal scooter and make your way to the bathroom. I guess that meal of diced, chopped, and minced nuts just went right through you.

As you sit down to take care of business, you ponder the history of toilet paper. Has this stuff really been around for that long? Did it really have splinters in it at one point!? The sorry state of toilet paper innovation has made you angry enough to violently confront a hooker.

Sure, we have the bidet. But let’s be honest with ourselves, an anus-cleaning plumbing fixture just seems unnatural. The world has been crying out for a new generation of toilet paper tech, and finally someone has stepped up to the plate. The Comfort Wipe has arrived. Has is really taken almost 130 years for this breakthrough?

As you wipe with the wonder stick, you can’t help but realize that in the end, you’re not really innovating anything. You’re just putting toilet paper on a stick. Maybe it’s time to move beyond paper. As Rabelais once remarked, “He who uses paper on his filthy bum, will always find his ballocks lined with scum“.

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6 Responses to “ Toilet Paper Is Archaic & Disgusting ”

  1. mr.killstudent on June 16, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    a new contender for 'worst job in the world if you are reincarnated into an inanimate object.' particularly if you are shipped to that one guy's house, who said 'being big has its disadvantages.'

  2. revisingproust on June 17, 2009 at 7:23 am

    you're better than slate though. (even though, i heart slate.)

  3. Anon on June 17, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    Look man, after I've downed a few Volcano Boxes, I thank sweet baby Jesus for any invention that puts distance between my hand & my flaming, volcanic anus.

  4. dolly wise on April 14, 2011 at 5:15 am

    Hey, interesting post, I’ve heard about this types of fixtures and I read some articles pertaining to this thing. It’s really neat and innovative idea to come up with but It’s cool. I saw a video on site below that explains how it works and how can it be beneficial.

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