It’s not the size of your pannis…
If society were a person, say, like pop hardly-sensation Mika, it might say… “Big Girls, you are beautiful.”
But let me be the arbiter of a truth so doughy and vile that you reconsider.
There is a part of every human’s body that has a serious weight limit. Below the belly button an
d above the jewels, the PANNIS (not to be confused with a word that makes every smut writer giggle like a school girl) is the part of your tummy that hangs over your waistline. Pannises don’t start big.
But with age and an appetite, your cute love donut slowly becomes an amoeboid monster that rivals The Blob in it’s locomotive independence and man-eating potential.
TRANSLATION: WHEN YOUR STOMACH GETS TOO BIG, IT
COLONIZES YOUR MID-SECTION WITH SUCH GUSTO THAT YOU ARE
GUARANTEED A LOVELESS MARRIAGE AND A CARREER TRAJECTORY THAT PEAKS AT THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY MASCOT TRYOUTS.
I can guess you aren’t taking me seriously. Consider:
1) The Medical Implications of your Huge Pannis
Below is an excerpt from an interview I conducted with a surgeon about a Pannis Removal Surgery (PRS) that he performed recently.
“Plastic Surgeons are in the business of dealing with some non-pretty people, and I’d say we develop a tough skin along with our penchant for the utterly gross. Yet, when clients come into my practice asking for PRS, the doctor who is stuck with the surgery will engage in bribery, extreme flattery, blackmail…anything he has to do in order to avoid confrontation with some lardy flap of Pannis…It extends beyond the yuck-factor and enters the realm of legitimate health concern for the doctor executing the surgery. When I was assigned to remove a twenty-pound Pannis this past September, I threw out my back when the Pannis flew off the surgical tray and hit me in the face. Becoming so intimate with someone else’s fat has the transformative power to turn any god-fearing Christian into a death-loving Satanist.”
2) The Social Ramifications of a Pannis-loving society
What happens when a 450 lb. Beyonce is trying to revive her career in the 2030s? Picture this Chart-Topper:
“You know that no Man is as good as my Pannis
Cuz the only kind of BJ I like is Ben and Jerry’s
Its the only kind of me I can be even if its scary
So shake ya extra flap and own your extra skin
When you dance with a pannis it ain’t no sin!”
3) Your Panis is losing the War on Drugs
Mairjuana dealers and users have been known to use the flap of their pannises to hide serious chronic from the cops. Swim in or dispose of this story as you must. Just remember that a Pannisfull America is no America for chidren or families.
Women: Reclaim your femininity by forgetting about your cankles. Burn your bras and strap up your panisses instead.
Men: You have fewer excuses to get this big in the first place. The allure of KFC holds little credibility next to multiple childbirths and the cellulite-loving tendencies of your female counterparts’ bodies.
Children: Starvation is on sale at Hollister next to the cologne. All the cool kids are buying it.
No Panis= beauty + freedom.
Less Panis = more you.
Goodnight and Goodluck.