Types of cancer I might have, some day.

October 28, 2008

By Lonnie

1) Prancer Cancer- a benign cluster of cells develops around my prancing muscles.

After intense prance-o-therapy, I’m back on my feet telling my story to millions in television ads.

2) Toothbrush cancer- My tastebuds double as carcinogens for inanimate objects. After three months of brushing my tongue devoutly, a malignant patch spreads over the entire surface area of the bristles and that attractive rubber grip, and when it passes away I vow never to brush again.

3) Cancer with the Stars- A group of C-list celebrities deal the emotional turmoil and utter hopelesness that comes along with a diagnosis of terminal pancreatic cancer. Viewers decide who goes into surgery first based on a popular vote. Faced with a decision between child-actor turned family man and that girl from that mid 90′s hit with the fake tits, I choose Silicona McHotty-totties. (All of the stars die anyways!)

4) Cancer that I thought was a Leo- I was reading her vibes COMPLETELY wrong at the bar, but she was flattered that I didn’t mistake her for a libra or a piece of shit gemini fuck-rat.

5) Luv-handle Cancer- Finally! The male preganncy rumors surrounding my stretch marks will dissapear with a surgical procedure that brings the international medical community together in undocumented fashion. A girl in my tri-state area makes a youtube compilation of the 65 hour media spectacle. It features a coldplay song.