Over-Under and the 52 years of manity.

September 12, 2008

There are certain behaviors you can engage in if your 5. or if your 67.

but those 52 years in between present an ambiguous slew of norms that cannot be broken.

to elaborate, this is the time between recognizing you have testicles, and realizing your testicles are dragging across the kitchen floor.  this is manhood.

and while i am happy that i wear my genitalia on the outside, i can’t say that i am happy about the unacknowledged social norms that come along with the territory.

NO! not the acknowledged social norms.  hiding emotion, defining yourself by physical ability, grunting, and chasing nasty, nasty tail are all adequately explored norms.  i mean UNACKNOWLEDGED.

Like wearing turtlenecks.   the vicinity of my neck has yet to feel as cared for as it does by a knit turtle treat.  but i have to retire (read: almost die) to have a love that trumps motherhood grace my neck of necks.

and thats just the beginning.  eating fruit-flavored yogurt, listening to music by female artists, line dancing, coloring, menstruating, and watching PBS are all things i had to give up at five.  society tells me they define femininity.  but what’s feminine about the uterus lining of my vagina falling out and regenerating over a twenty eight day cycle? nothing, thats what.

As i start a silent revolution to androgenize some of life’s finest pleasures, i need to begin to evaluate when it’s socially acceptable to do the following things.  please help me out in the comment section.

Under what age and Over what age can I:
wear a clip on tie
poop myself
do the limbo
talk with god
read people magazine
purchase dried produce
slam dunk into a 6 foot hoop
roller skate.

Thanks to you all.  carpe diem. carpe manity.


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2 Responses to “ Over-Under and the 52 years of manity. ”

  1. stereocache on September 13, 2008 at 4:20 am

    i would have to say that i kind of disagree here. i feel like there’s been a huge move toward guys being all sorts of girly. not necessarily bad. kind of less fun though.

    clip on. under 8 over 65

    poop. i have no idea when potty training happens i’m going to guess like 2. so under 2. then over 18 but under 22 then over 70 (college years, you understand)

    do the limbo any time excluding 13-16 where you could but you would die of embarassment

    talk with god. arguably never.

    read people magazine – any age but only in waiting rooms

    shimmy – is always fair game. i wish i was shimmying now

    dried produce – i have no idea

    slam dunk under 30 over 45

    skate. under 30

    the thing is though i think people over 30 just don’t care anymore

  2. RustedJesus on September 14, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    This is one of the most difficult surveys I’ve ever attempted to complete. There are of course, for each of these activities, mitigating circumstances that can either lower or higher the appropriate to engage or not engage in the activity. In simplicity, however, I will generalize my answers to pertain to as many people as possible. So basically, as if the cast of Saved by the Bell were answering the questions.

    Clip on Tie: under 13; over 72

    poop myself: under 8 (i think there are stressful times in a child’s life until about the age of 8 that can cause a temporary lapse in the ability to keep the sphincter closed); over 65.

    do the limbo: under 14; over 18 (high school is brutal)

    talk with God: under 1 minute; over 1 minute before you die (God isn’t listening at any other time)

    read people magazine: over 25; under 30 (there is a specific range ,25-30, in which you are able to engage the material in People with the appropriate disdain and obsession)

    shimmy: under 14; over 18 (again, high school can destroy you)

    purchase dried fruit: over 50

    slam dunk into a 6-foot hoop: any the age, the exhilaration of being able slam a basketball (even a mini ball) should never be denied to anyone at anytime. It is the definition of freedom.

    rollerskate: under 14; after 14 no more rollerskating, but you may ice skate at any time.

    All of these age ranges are subject to change depending on the amount of alcohol coursing through your blood. Or if you’re in love. Which is basically the same thing.

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