Required Reading – Sunday Styles
Hey Readers, I apologize for my extended absence.
I missed you and I’m sure you missed me.
But, forget about niceties, it’s time for our next tip!
I don’t care if you think The New York Times is for communists. I don’t want to hear about how the ink ruins your manicured fingertips. And, let’s face it, we all know the $5.00 price tag probably kills you. Nevertheless, any JMIT knows that the Sunday Styles section of the paper is worth every penny.
And, it’s not just the wedding announcements (though, we’ll get to those soon enough). The Styles Section’s charm is in its ability to deliver totally trite news in a nationally syndicated paper that’s supposed to be taken seriously.
For example, this week’s headline story? A report on the newest rage among New Yorkers – “spit parties” hosted by 23andme.
Genetic engineering, maybe. But, seriously, who cares about the ethics? And conspiracy theorists thinking about what this means for privacy in the digital era can go to hell even if Anne Wojcicki, the co-founder of 23andme is also the wife of a Google founder. We all know that privacy and manners are nothing when compared to genetic perfection. Attending one of these is essential for JMITs using JDate to find their perfect match. (You know, to make sure you’re not related to your new boyfriend. We do know how Jews have a history of dating their cousins.)
Plus, the timing of the Sunday Styles? It’s perfect. Sundays are a day for vegging. Unfortunately, by Sunday, the weekly issues of OK!, Star, US Weekly, and InTouch have all been devoured from cover to cover. What could a heterosexual girl want more than getting another fix of gossip the same day that her beau/crush/husband/dad gets his fill of pigskin? Nothing!
Okay…now back to the wedding announcements. The wedding announcements are useful because they introduce new words to your vocabulary like “bridegroom.”
Half-curriculum vitae, half-product placement, the announcements (complete with headshots!), beg for superficial commentary even from the best of us. Upon reading an announcement, JMITs everywhere can’t help but think: ”she’s with him?” or “his parents work there?” or “Oh! That’s how he got into Duke Law. His father also went to Duke Law” or the infrequent “wow, look at how much she accomplished on her own.”
On the other hand, they are more intimate than “Stars are Just Like Us.” This is especially true when put in the context of that old joke.
“As a JMIT, you know you’re getting older when…”
- you start scanning the Sunday Styles for people you know
- you start receiving clips from your JM’s friend saying, “lovely picture. thought you may want to see because you went to [elementary school], [overnight camp], [high school], [college] with the bride. Can’t wait to see yours! Do you have a boyfriend?” (Exhibit A)
- you’re the same age as most of the couples in the Sunday Styles
- you’re older than most of the couples in the Sunday Styles
Therefore, single JMITs or JMIT-wannabes searching for that nice “Jewish boy” to marry ASAP, should understand that these seemingly innocuous blurbs may evoke emotions such as jealousy, rage, indignance, or spite. Despite this disclaimer, I’d recommend to overcome these negative reactions because you don’t want to be the only one at synagogue on the High Holidays who has to be quiet when the conversation naturally turns to the latest Sunday Styles rehash.
So, next Monday, I’m testing you on your SS knowledge. And that was not a Holocaust reference!