Ways for Payless to improve (destroy?) its image using genitalia.
So Payless ShoeSource isn’t trendy.
But there is no reason why paying pesos for my favorite kicks at the local PSS should send me spiraling downward into an oblivion of 90′s fashion disaster. Why do I spend all that time trimming my ball hair (props tough_love) when a girl won’t even look past my shoes before she calls the police, or worse, puts me in the “friend zone”?
I devised a short list of marketing tips for Payless in the “February 2003″ section of my tenth grade planner. They are as follows:
1) Place miniature neon labia in every pair of mock converse shoes purchased. Everyone knows that you’re a vagina if you don’t cough up the money to look hipster, and it would send those tools (hammers, wrenches, that thirty year old with the rat tail) a clear message.
2) No more selling fake crocs, unless you resort to a more unattractive yet breathable material: donkey scrotum. Instead of scrunching your face when your ooh-ing and ahh-ing at crocs for babies, you can giggle when you see your BFF’s toddler take his first steps with the help of a jackass’s dinglies.
3) Replace the “sale” rack with a “just try goodwill, you poor mother fuckers” sign. Draw a semi-flacid penis at the bottom of the sign to let them know that you don’t hate them, you just can’t allow their kind to soil the purity of the Payless race. If this is still too brash for the Payless image, “fucka” is more user friendly.
Good Luck Payless!
Smuts and Sluts,