Ways for Payless to improve (destroy?) its image using genitalia.

August 30, 2008

So Payless ShoeSource isn’t trendy.

But there is no reason why paying pesos for my favorite kicks at the local PSS should send me spiraling downward into an oblivion of 90′s fashion disaster. Why do I spend all that time trimming my ball hair (props tough_love) when a girl won’t even look past my shoes before she calls the police, or worse, puts me in the “friend zone”?

I devised a short list of marketing tips for Payless in the “February 2003″ section of my tenth grade planner. They are as follows:

1) Place miniature neon labia in every pair of mock converse shoes purchased. Everyone knows that you’re a vagina if you don’t cough up the money to look hipster, and it would send those tools (hammers, wrenches, that thirty year old with the rat tail) a clear message.

2) No more selling fake crocs, unless you resort to a more unattractive yet breathable material: donkey scrotum. Instead of scrunching your face when your ooh-ing and ahh-ing at crocs for babies, you can giggle when you see your BFF’s toddler take his first steps with the help of a jackass’s dinglies.

3) Replace the “sale” rack with a “just try goodwill, you poor mother fuckers” sign. Draw a semi-flacid penis at the bottom of the sign to let them know that you don’t hate them, you just can’t allow their kind to soil the purity of the Payless race. If this is still too brash for the Payless image, “fucka” is more user friendly.

Good Luck Payless!
Smuts and Sluts,

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3 Responses to “ Ways for Payless to improve (destroy?) its image using genitalia. ”

  1. stereocache on August 31, 2008 at 3:00 am

    You should always go to goodwill before you go anywhere else. i can’t tell you the number of times i’ve found exactly what i needed there for like 2 bucks. Goodwill is probably the hippest place i shop actually. I’ll also admit I’m guilty of going to stores, trying there shit on to check sizes and whatnot and then just ebaying it.

  2. RustedJesus on August 31, 2008 at 5:49 pm

    I’m so hip that I refuse to buy clothes at thrifts stores. I mean all the hipsters shop there and the wanna be hipsters. So to be even more hipster and get people to be just as hip as me, I shop primarily at Banana Republic and Gap. You see, it’s kind of like reverse psychology. Thrift stores have become so hip that it’s not actually hip. No longer are hipsters pretending not to have trust funds. It’s just far more hip to pay lots of money for stuff you know you can get for cheap and would actually prefer to get for cheap, but prefer not to be like every other hipster by making sure you tell everyone you’re a hipster and saying you got your clothes at the Goodwill even though both of you know that you got them at Urban Outfitters and American Apparel, but it’s just more fun to lie and know that everyone knows you’re lying.

    Anybody want to go shopping for some new old Nike Dunks?

  3. commonvision on September 1, 2008 at 8:24 pm

    i guess you’ve missed out on all those galz (or guyz) hitting on you with that famous pick-up line, “nice shoes, wanna fuck.”

    too bad, lonnie.

    i recommend DSW…talk about classy.

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